Pressure to Perform
I met up with the paster of my church the other night to discuss youth, and a question arose that I had never considered before.
Why did you get into ministry?
Through our conversation, underlying motivations around why I serve in church, why I put my hand up for the Youth Coordinator role, the pressure I feel as a leader, and the most horrible feeling of failure - all came up. In that conversation it dawned on me that the reason I got into ministry was to prove to my minister (at a previous church) that I was no longer a sinner. That I had gotten over my rebellion and that I actually was saved... CAN YOU FREAKING BELIEVE THAT?! I had no idea!
This motivation has influenced my decision to go to Bible College, my performance as a leader and member of the church. I have been serving for 10 years in such a way that the need to prove myself has unconsciously underlined all ministry work, which has meant that when things may not have gone well (through no fault of my own), I not only took it to heart, but deeply believed that it was due to my failing as a Christian, and a belief that I will never be able to out run - out prove - my past, essentially holding me in a pattern of performance and failure.
This is a dangerous believe system for a Christian to have, and I am so thankful that this has been shown to me.
And so, my question to you, Dear Christian, is why did you get into ministry?
Your ministry, your experience in serving, and the health of your relationship with the Lord depends on that answer.
My focus right now is to heal from this belief system. To allow the love of Jesus to permeate the hurt - the hurt that was caused 10 years ago - and allow Him to do what He does best. Redeem it.