Psalm-thing to Think About
You are ok, Dear One.
You are ok.
Even though the sun is scorching
and the dust is choking,
and you just don’t know how you can stand anymore…
You are a tree planted by streams of water.
Your leaf does not wither,
your roots are deep.
This is just a season,
your fruit is waiting on the wings of dawn.
I wrote this poem a few days ago. It was one of those wonderful writing moments where the words overflowed naturally, and I was lucky enough to catch them as they fell. I’ve re-read it quite a few times since then, and i’ve realised that these words are for me, just as much as they are for the readers.
I have been fighting Adrenal Fatigue on and off for just about a year now, currently in my fourth flair-up, and writing these words from the confines of my bed with achy hands. For me, Adrenal Fatigue presents itself with achy and weak arms and legs, brain fog, sensitivity to light and sound, and extreme fatigue, barely able to leave my bed for day’s at a time. It has forced me to take stock of every area of my life - how many tasks I’m taking on, how often I’m going out, the energy I use, my job, what makes me happy and gives me energy - everything, and this latest jaunt with fatigue has me re-thinking all over again.
I don’t know about you, but when I come to a place in life where I can no longer see what’s ahead, I get scared. I watch as the plans I had at the beginning of the year disintegrate before me, and I’m left with just the small patch of grass I’m standing on. In the recesses on my mind I can hear the question arise…
Who do you trust?
‘I trust Jesus!’ of course is my reply - but is it really? Do I really, truely trust Jesus enough to give Him my life and not just my eternity? Now that’s a question which is harder to say yes to.
Fourteen years of church life has trained me to say ‘I trust Jesus’ before saying anything else. Its what I should say. But after fourteen years of being a Christian I think I can finally say that it is HARD TRUSTING JESUS! Here in the West, this is one of our major struggles - just how far are you willing to trust Jesus? We tack His name onto the end of our prayers, hoping they are the magic words which open the piñata-god’s hand of blessing, but do we truely understand the power in His name? We say “The Lords will be done” but if He asked us to quit our jobs or move to another country, would we do it? Is this economy… hmm.
There have been moments in my life when I would’ve dropped everything for Him - and I have done that. But as I sit here now, the most sick I’ve ever been, watching as my plans fall away and panic for my future starts to set in, I hear the question “Who do you trust?” and I pause. Do I really trust Him?
Every bone in my body and sparkle in my soul wants to scream yes! - So what’s holding me back?
Common sense and that ever present What if.
You should have a proper job like everyone else. What if you don’t make any money? Remember your responsibilities. God is good but He doesn’t provide in that way anymore. What will people think? They won’t get it. What if you never get better? You should just stay where you are, it’s easier that way.
Devil! No! I don’t know about you, but I am so sick and tired of this narrative! And are these thoughts even mine, or have they been given to me? Joshua 1 has come to me a few times in different ways, and again, these words are timely and beautiful -
Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged.
God, your God, is with you every step you take.”
Joshua 1:9 MSG
How have I forgotten that all the wealth of the world is the Lords? How have I forgotten that He holds the universe in His hands, and created it with just a Word? How have I forgotten the last words of Jesus, “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matt 28:20). How have I forgotten that I was knitted together in my mothers womb (Ps 139:13) for this very moment in history, complete with passions, desires, strengths and areas for flourishing growth, and that it’s by His stripes that I’m healed (Isaiah 53:5)!
Oh, how I’ve forgotten…
This meek little poem on Psalm One has been a gentle reminder of Who I’m connected to. In the midst of the forgetting, in the midst of illness and an uncertain future, I’m still connected to Jesus through Holy Spirit, and this season will pass. Our forgetting, our frustrating, difficult, dark times are an opportunity to rest in His grace, knowing that even though the sun is scorching and the dust is choking, we are still being fed, we are still connected to the source of Love and Life - Jesus.
And with this in mind, I can feel the weight of fear lift a little more, I can breathe a little deeper, knowing that while I can’t see what’s in front of me - He can. One step at a time, leaning into the fear of the unknown, just trusting, until I say truely, I trust Jesus.